Red Planet

Price: 75 Cents
Year: 2000
Length: 106 mins
Director: Antony Hoffman
Cast: Val Kilmer, Tom Sizemore, Carrie Anne Moss, Benjamin Bratt, and TERENCE STAMP


5. riverrun, past Burt and Adam's, from swell of belly to bend

of sac, brings us by a commondius vomitus of refelchization back to

Howtfuc Kilmerstle and Environs.

A. I'll never forget that gesture, a combination wink and point and jizzture in his own direction that would crescendo into a hand on the back pushing you through the door and into the darkness of the back room, that symbolized what is most sensual and desired in this world . . . that Val Kilmer is going to fuck you. I'm not a prude, but when I was invited to a party at Val Kilmer's house I was expecting more than a string of episodic post- and pre- coital selection emergences from the man of the house (no JTT), but that was all I got. I counted ten sessions of Kilmerization that evening over the course of 2.5 hours and roughly 7 Heineken keg cans. So much for my first big celebrity bash, at least his house was nice, but who the fuck does Val think he is pulling these David Lee Roth paramour tricks in the '00's (decade looks like boobies). He didn't even talk to anyone, he'd just emerge from his sex dungeon in a pallid sweat while his most recent Valctim would rush out with a mixture of exhaustion and shame on her tear and mascara strewn face as Val would cast his discerning eye on the pickings at hand. There was no resistance, it was as if the ladies had all gotten the memo, Come to Val Kilmer's house and he will fuck you and make you cry.

4. A kitten under a floorboard is incapable of distracting me from what is most remarkable about this classic South Dakota money pit hot spot; for a low low price of 8 dollars, you, too, can see the actual car driven by Val Kilmer in the movie Thunderheart, lines form to the right, and oh yeah, that kitten, we got 40 more of em around here, can't get rid of em fast enough, heh heh heh.

3. You download it because well, you download every celebrity sex video, whether it is classic (pamntommy), tamenlame (ray-jandthatpotatoheadedindustrygroupie), poorly shot (greenparis), or imaginary (dakotafanning), but nothing could prepare you for this: a reputed sex addict clad in a black suit cavorting listlessly and continuously. You shut it off after only three skipped around and about minutes, sending it to the recycle bin along with your now useless genitals. Never again will I know happiness.

B. now I understand why Carrie Anne-Moss was wearing a hat during that one scene when we all looked at one another and were like, at the same time, WHY THE FUCK IS SHE WEARING THAT HAT? It was because, with Val and Sizey sex addicting all over one another's priapistastic intourage's, one continually needed all the flying fluid protection that only a baseball hat with gold trim can provide (the trim prevents side spillage).

C. Kilm and Sizey pissing on the MARS side by side, slapping each other on the back, while howling with pleasure.

2. A consumptive paradox. In order to fully appreciate said film, one's alcohol/coughee consumption must attain such a high level that when coupled with the languid pacing and facile characterization of the film in question captivates the viewer into unconsciousness. You cannot win.

1. 2 seconds of redemption for a lifetime of sullied virtue and pants