Monday, August 27, 2007

New York Minute

Price: 25 Cents
Runtime: Not Nearly Long Enough
Year: 2004
Director: Dennie Gordon
Cast: Mary-Kate Olsen, Ashley Olsen, Eugene Levy, Andy Richter, Dr. Drew Pinsky, Jack Osbourne, Darrell Hammond, Riley Smith, Jared Padalecki, and SIMPLE PLAN!!!

In 1964, a dude named Clarence 13X founded an offshoot of the Nation of Islam that he dubbed the Nation of Gods and Earths; today it is more commonly known as the Five Percent Nation. This shorthand comes from the central teaching of this sect that loosely breaks down the global (black) population as such; 85% are the mentally deaf, dumb, and blind masses who are incapable of discovering the truth about themselves and the world they live in by their own volition, 10% are devils who can see through to the truth but use their knowledge to oppress the 85% through religion, politics, the economy, the media, etc., whereas the titular 5% are the enlightened divine beings who possess the holy knowledge of themselves and the world and seek to overthrow the devilish 10% through educating and enlightening the 85%.

That on the very day on which I would forever pop my long festering NEW YORK MINUTE cherry I would be dually barraged by this numerical philosophy, both on the crapper while leafing through the Wu-Tang Manual and while driving to the discount supermarket via the track "The Meaning of the 5%" on a tape of Brand Nubian's excellent, if hateful, IN GOD WE TRUST, seems particularly significant. At around the 30 minute mark of this video, I began hazily adapting the 5 percenter philosophy to the Olsen Twin's post-pubescent (let us never forget IT TAKES TWO) theatrical coming out party. Essentially, I feel that 85% of this world is deaf, dumb, and blind to the greatness of NEW YORK MINUTE. These sad people have never deigned to consider spending 91 of the shortest minutes of their lives luxuriating in the warm, viscous, and creamy soup of pleasure that the Bowlsen twins cook up for us all here. These sad, forgotten people have not and never will see this film without specific guidance and teaching. Then there is the devilish and evil 10% who have seen the all-encompassing glory of Andy Richter pretending to be Chinese yet still speak ill of the film to the 85% by stuffing the IMDB with votes of "1" and garnering it a tellingly low and evil 13% on rottentomatoes, among other acts of conspicuous deceit and disruption that ensure that the 85% will never see or embrace their true calling . . . NEW YORK MINUTE. Then there is the 5%, to which me and you (trust me) belong, who have been witnesses to the resplendent enlightenment of the mellifluous tones of MKO's snare riding and skins pummeling and make it their life goals to open the eyes of the 85% to the majesty and totality of NEW YORK MINUTE as life tool and divining principle.

And then I passed out.

This was no fault of the film, but more a product of the severe mental taxation and focus this film required to unravel that, when coupled with my reckless substance abuse and a 5 AM video viewing commencement, rendered me temporarily and blissfully comatose.

The next day I watched the rest of it, and then the next day I set out on my campaign to enlighten the 85% and mercilessly crush the 10% the best way I know how.

Through this blog.

"Life is nothing but show business in two thousand four"

If you don't like this movie, I fucking hate you.


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